There’s No Magic Pill for Transforming Your Life
Have you ever stopped in your tracks (mid rat-race 🏃) and taken a good hard look at your life, only to discover that you’re looking at a stranger? Yeah, it’s weird.
If you’ve been down this road mentally, you know how confusing, crushing, and saddening it can feel to realize that you’ve become a person you didn’t ever intend on becoming. Speaking for a friend (*wink, wink*), I can tell you that I would wish this discovery on no one.
We all start our ‘adult’ lives with lofty intentions. I know a few of my plans included, becoming a successful writer, getting married to a man who would love and respect me, become a mother, stay healthy, fit and happy; build an active and supportive group of women friends in my life...you get the point. I’ve genuinely strived for these things in my adult life, and yet somehow I have strayed. Recently I had to come to terms with some hard realities--all of which led me to the even harder realization that I am not the woman I visualized when I was 20-years-old with the world at my fingertips.
Before this gets too deep or dark, let me clarify. I have a GREAT life. And, it’s not like I haven’t realized many of the ‘young-me’ intentions I put out there. I am unendingly grateful for where I live, my beautiful children, my loving husband, and so much more. But, a wise woman said to me recently, losing yourself doesn’t happen quickly and explosively, like a title wave hitting the shore of your life. The evolution is never that drastic and noticeable. It happens drip by drip, like a leaky faucet filling up the bucket that is your inner self until the bucket is full and you’re staring down at that watery mass wondering how you managed to fill your ‘self-bucket’ with the wrong mix of ingredients.
It was around this same time of self-realization that I also became acutely aware of the fact that I cannot blame anyone for how I have let myself stray away from the authentic ‘me’ accept myself. It’s so easy to approach the need for change or transformation in life from a place of blame, resentment, self-hate, and shame. But those reactions don't serve anyone, or anything accept to block you from adjusting course. No one person, one job, or one thing can cause you to become unhappy and unsatisfied. You make that happen all on your own. Let me be clear; the people, responsibilities, and things in your life will take as much from you as you are willing to give. It’s the nature of humanity and human relationships. So yes, if you feel like things are imbalanced in your relationship with your partner, or you feel overworked at your job, or unappreciated by those you love in your life--you’re likely not imagining it, and NO it’s not OKAY--but, YOU are the one who has taught those people how to treat you, and only you can transform yourself in order to change the dynamic. Maybe it's time to let go of the toxic relationships, situations, and habits in your life so that you can transform into the person you want and need to be.
I’m personally chiding myself right now because I am by no means an expert on this topic--unless you consider being an obsessive people pleaser and worrier-about-anything-and-everything for most of my adult life ‘expertise.’ But I am now fully committed to becoming the person I set out to be, while still maintaining my relationships along the way. So if you’re interested in taking part in this journey with me, while I transform my own life and self, read on. The road will be bumpy and windy, I will fuck up along the way, but I am obsessed with this transformation process I am embarking on and can't wait to share it with you! Here’s what I’ve learned far:
Start with intention
It’s one thing to know you want, wish or need to make some changes in your life to find self-realization and transformation, but it’s a whole other thing actually to commit to it.
Side note: If you are looking at your day-to-day and feel unhappy and unsatisfied, but also know that you are unwilling to make any changes, consider that it is not your time yet. And that's okay. Maybe you need to get to a different breaking point before you are actually able to make the hard decisions that will inevitably lead to what you are seeking.
If you ARE ready and ARE committed to transforming your life now, start with a loud and clear intention. Setting clear intentions may take some time, and self-reflection to discover, but it is the best way to set a course you will stick with and see to the end goal.
Be honest but kind
Being honest is hard. Being honest AND kind is even harder. We're trained to sugar-coat our feelings. We are taught (especially us women) to accommodate, bend over backward, and worry about everyone else first and ourselves very last. Be honest with yourself about the things you are doing to marginalize your self-worth or your needs AND the things your loved ones are doing to create an unhealthy, unsupportive, and toxic dynamic. BUT, be kind to yourself and others as you execute this interpersonal-audit.
Reality Check: I'm fully aware that there are levels of abuse and destructive behaviors in relationships--in some cases, kindness cannot be given to the other person in the partnership--but if possible, be honest and kind (with yourself especially) as you seek out the changes that you wish to take place.
Hatred only breeds more hate, kindness, and honesty create actual change. Choose the road that most helps you find transformation, regardless of right, wrong, or any other variable that will hold you back.
Don’t play the blame game
I am so guilty of this. But honestly, I think most of us are not that great at taking responsibility for our part. Remember, it takes two or more people to participate in a game, relationship, or destructive dynamic. The situation you are in cannot take place without your involvement and participation. So, stop blaming others for the bed you’ve made (sorry for the tough-love approach, but I have had to come to this realization too). Blame only hurts you and blocks you from being able to change your own behavior and in turn, transform your life! That does not mean that you should accept abuse from anyone, or blame yourself for everything amiss in your life--just know that you are a participant, and if you don’t like the game, change the rules! 👊
Self-loathing accomplishes nothing
Speaking for myself, I’ve discovered that self-loathing is actually just another form of selfishness. For real. When I let myself spiral into a zone of self-deprecation, annoyance, and anger at myself, it just creates a situation where all I am doing is thinking about myself and ignoring everything else around me. I am guilty of this all the time, but more and more, I am focussing on feeling and releasing as quickly as possible so that I can move onward instead of just cycling around in my head, selfishly hating myself and everyone else around me. Don’t do it. Rise above. Seek change, not retribution.
Affirm what you want
If you are trying to heal a relationship, end a relationship, move to a new area, quit or start a new job or career. Whatever it is that you are seeking as part of your personal transformation, you must affirm what the positive outcome will look like. 🤔 And I don’t mean just ‘say it in your head.’ While we all think we know what we are seeking in life and what we want to see change, actually writing it down and keeping yourself accountable is much more powerful then proceeding without that insight. Here’s a helpful article from Entrepreneur with tips and exercises for Fueling Self Awareness. Start with a few of these, and you’ll give yourself a roadmap to your own personal transformation.
Know what you can give up
You may have heard the saying, “for every action there is a reaction,” it’s science. And I’ve found this to be sooo true in my own growth journey. As you seek personal transformation, you will be forced to accept the byproducts of that growth. Some of the ‘reactions’ to your growth may be super positive--like you get your dream job, or improve your marriage, etc. But there will also be painful reactions and realizations as you find your true self. It may be as simple as changing a bad habit in yourself, which takes work but is self-driven. And it may be as drastic as losing a friendship or leaving a toxic work environment or a relationship. Believe me, these byproducts of transformation are hard and at certain points may make you feel like you should just “give up the good fight” and go back to your comfort zone. DON’T. It's okay to give up the things that don't bring you joy and gratification. This is your chance to live the life you have always wanted--and you only get one life. LIVE IT YOUR WAY.
There’s no magic pill
I come from a long line of addicts and alcoholics--in fact, I am a recovering control freak myself. So if you feel like your shortcomings and addictions are just too set to change course at this point in life, I totally get it. And, if you are looking for an ‘easy button’ or magic pill to give you the transformation you seek, this is the moment where I shake my head, laugh a little (not at you, with you 😉) and kindly remind you that nothing in your life will shift, grow or change without your full commitment and effort. It is not going to be easy. You are going to take two steps forward and one step back multiple times. Just like a seedling fighting to break through the soil, seek the sun and grow into a beautiful flower, you too must be steadfast, annoyingly committed, and carry the belief in your heart that you will bloom and share your beauty with the world. 🌱Don’t let the nay-sayers get you down. Fight for your growth. That’s where the magic will happen.
Don’t quit before the miracle
As a final thought here, and this tip is as much for me as it is for you--you beautiful person: Don’t quit or give up before the miracle happens. If you believe in lifelong learning and growth, you know that your life has had and will continue to have many transformations. There are times when this shift is forced on you, and times when you will seek it out. I’ve experienced a personal change in myself at least five times in my life so far. But whatever stage you are at. Wherever you are in your transformative journey, Stay. The. Course.
What you seek will take place, even if the outcome is entirely different than what you thought would happen at the start. There will be lots of moments along your journey where you will be tempted to give up and take the easy road and stay with the status quo. Having experienced both versions in my life, and with the anticipation that I will transform many more times, I can definitively tell you that a MIRACLE will happen. You will find what you seek. Don’t quit before you find you reach the finish line. You Can Transform Your Life. ✨
Interested in telling your own story better? I help entrepreneurs and career women find their story and personal brand! Message me and get a 30-minute free consultation.